When Cucumbers Attack

or: why you should probably check the CDC recalls once in a while.

I had hoped to have a nice little set of pictures here for you today.

Of the stickers (which came in and look awesome) and of the match game on steroids that I’m putting together for the ABC Project. (It’s based on aesthetics and has been fun to work on.)

Instead, there’s this.

This little thing is not a pink fuzzy tampon.

This, my friends, is e. coli.

It came over for Thanksgiving, hiding out on a recalled cucumber, which I didn’t find out was recalled until I ate half of it¹.

Let us just say that not much got done since last Thursday-ish. Lots of slight whimpering and camping out on the bathroom floor wishing that whatever rebellion was going on in my abdominal region would be quickly quelled by the standing white blood cell army.

On the upside, I didn’t go out and spend too much money on Black Friday sales or whatever. I would not recommend food poisoning as an anti-capitalist strategy, however. For the record.

I’m really fine, though.

I mean, as well as one can be with ugly microscopic tampons wreaking havoc upon one’s intestinal regions.

But all things considered, I’m fine. I’m not quite elderly yet, and am in reasonably good health, and I’ve been sucking down water like it’s my job for two days. Fever’s low, I’m not showing any signs of dehydration, and J brought me not just a couple, but TWO CASES of Gatorade².

I’m really fine³.

According to the CDC website, this nastiness lasts from 5 to 7 days, so I’m almost done.

I just probably won’t get much done for those remaining days. I’ve been sleeping a lot and, when not dozing or bathroom-camping, staring at really horrible Hallmark Christmas movies that don’t challenge my brain much, but keep me entertained enough not to obsess over being beset by the gutworms⁴.

In fact, I’m heading back to bed (after being up for two whole hours this time) as soon as I hit “post”, but I wanted to check in and explain why I made no appreciable progress on the game part of Volume 1.

Accountability, et. al.. :)

Hope you’re all laying around, too, but because of lingering turkey coma instead of tiny gut invaders. How was your weekend? Is your holiday shopping done? What’dja buy? (My inner capitalist wants to live vicariously through you, obvi.)

1. Never the best time to find out about things like this. It’s like finding half a worm in an apple.

2. He also called me and sang EEEEE COLIIIIII in the style of the old Ricola cough drops commercials. He did this in the middle of Walmart, when calling me to find out what color of Gatorade I wanted. I’m keeping him.

3. or I will be. Same diff.

4. So far, I have seen six women remember the true meaning of Christmas, two high-powered big city ladies end up with widowers in small, snowy towns…and one woman fall in love with a naked snow carving. It’s gonna be a fantastic December.